I’m working on this little rant that is sounding really self-righteous right now, which is not my intent.  So instead of throwing that at you in the current state of hot-messiness in which it exists, I’m just going to ramble about last night’s awesome television happenings.

I’m totally a sucker for the big three of CBS reality shows (in order of awesomeness): The Amazing Race, Survivor, and Big Brother.   This, particularly when Big Brother is on, can really make you lose your hope for humanity, what with all the aspiring actress/actor/hosts trying to whore their way into fifteen minutes of D-list fame.  The vast majority of reality tv contestants are at least portrayed as vile individuals, particularly on Big Brother.  And on Big Brother, the slimiest are usually rewarded (exception last season, when relatively likable Dan took the top prize).  Oftentimes the nice guys are the ones who leave the viewers with hands scratching our heads, wondering why nice people go on strategic game shows with no understanding of strategy.  Almost always, nice guys finish last, or at least not in first, leaving the winners to move to West Hollywood in an attempt to make a careers out of semi-realistic cheap cable programming.

But last night’s Survivor was a thing of beauty, and possibly one of the most truly satisfying and entertaining (at least, if you enjoy schadenfreude, which I wholeheartedly do) hours of television I’ve seen in a long, long time.

if you hate Survivor or could care less, no hard feelings, but you should probably just go read Passive Agressive Notes or something.

The Cliff Notes of the scenario (SPOILERS…read no further if you haven’t seen it and want to remain surprised):

The remaining contestants on Survivor were aligned, basically, as such: the alpha dogs on one side, all of whom happen to be white, whose alliance had basically dominated challenges, and who were feeling arrogantly in control of the game, mostly because they completely underestimated their opponents.  Those opponents, who include all of the remaining people of color, plus the two white folks that the others thought they were better than, have of late been both challenge and strategic monsters, blindsiding several people and wresting control from the alpha dogs.

The most vile of the alpha dogs is Randy, a Missouri photographer who is probably one of the most unlikable, ugly people I’ve seen on reality tv.  This is saying a lot, because I’ve watched many season of The Bachelor and Flavor of Love.  His asshattery culminated with last week’s tribal council, when viewers (and the contestants) realize that he’s a racist motherfucker as he tells the lone remaining Black woman that he hates her “posse” and calling her (and the other Black contestant) “thugs”.  This motherfucker proceeds this week to be a complete and total asshole to everyone in the game.  His strategy is to get the now-majority group to vote him out strictly because he is a dick.  He will then play the immunity idol that he believes one of his allies has, which will then allow him to stay and surprisingly eliminate a member of the now-majority group.  The problem with this is that his ally Bob doesn’t have an immunity idol; Bob has a fake one that he made himself.  The second problem with that is the now-majority knows the idol isn’t real because one of their members, Sugar, has the real idol, and there is only one.  So not only is dickhead Randy screwed and doesn’t know it, but Sugar knows it and is going to fuck with him.  She tells Bob to go ahead and give Randy the fake idol so she can see his demise play out Shakespearian-style.  Which is does because it means the target is off his back for this and possibly the next Tribal Council.

Kudos to the editors of this episode.  They often edit so the outcome seems ambiguous, leaving the surprise for the actual vote.  However, in this episode, there was no suspense, just more and more anticipation for the delighted viewer on Randy’s gloriously trainwrecky ousting.  Of course, Randy is a smug cock before the vote.  His ally Corrine, an equally shitty person, winks at the jury as though she knows that her alliance will really pull a fast one.  During the voting, Sugar, the surprising strategic genius, gives one of the best voting speeches ever when she says, “You are a disgusting, old, hot-headed, chauvinistic, alcoholic bigot, and you need to grow up before you die alone.”  Damn.  The truth hurts.

The votes are cast, and Jeff Probst asks, before he counts them, if anyone wants to play an idol.  Randy smugly rises, hands Jeff the idol, which Jeff, after a dramatic pause pronounces a fake and throws it overdramatically, but awesomely, in the fire.  Randy’s face falls because of the virtual, well-deserved, punch in the nuts he just received, and realizes he’s gone as they count the votes.  Everyone else cracks up, gleefully looks forward to a Randy-free camp, while he is predictably bitter and rude in his exit speech.

If you aren’t into Survivor, why the fuck did you read all that?  But if you are, can we agree that it was awesome and, like our last election, restored my faith in at least a little bit of humanity along with karma? Because honestly, on shows like this, you can tell the difference between people rolling skeet because it’s a game, and people for whom the nature of the game justifies, in their minds, their asshole behavior in real life.  Randy is the king of the last category.  I have no doubt that editing had it out for him, but, to quote the sage Heather B of the original Real World, “They use what you gave them”.  And Randy gave them a hell of a lot to work with.  I’m sure he is utterly vile in real life as well. So Bravo, Sugar, Crystal, et al who manufactured this lovely example of strategery.

And, honestly, what’s more satisfying than watching a racist bigot get his humiliating comeuppance on national tv?  On a Thursday night?  Followed and episode of The Office where Michael pays $500 for a bag of caprese salad, earnestly believing it’s a bag of weed?  God is good.

Peace.  I’m out.