Dec 31st, 2009 | life | 14 Comments
Hello, little neglected blog.
I’ve been mulling over a post trying to summarize how I’ve been feeling. I’ve got various drafts in various forms saved, none of them saying what I really want to say. And that, readers, summarizes how the last few months have been. I can’t really find a way to say what I really want to say.
2009 was probably the worst year of the decade for me. I don’t want to keep talking about depression, because I vowed that that’s not what this blog would be about and that’s not the kind of blog this is. But, in a stealth, quiet, seemingly-unobtrusive way, it’s permeated corners of my brain I didn’t think it could. The various medicines my insurance company requires I try out have left me veritably mute, unable to articulate how I’m feeling in a way that I know I’m capable of. My writing feels flat–if I can even get words on the screen. Despite the fact that my mind is constantly racing, I can’t develop a thought at the level I want–I’m unable to untangle the giant knot inside my brain. My schoolwork has suffered. I’ve self-medicated to an unhealthy level. I’m unhealthy.
Other than the dormancy of my words, the most frustrating thing for me is my inability to distinguish between legitimate, real feelings and thoughts and irrational ones brought on by my sick brain. I can’t tell what’s real, what’s perception, particularly when it comes to my interactions with other people. All my insecurities are magnified, and I constantly feel like the biggest asshole in the room. Is this really me? Who I am?
I guess I just wanted to wait to really close off this year with some finality. I’d rather face the triteness of the new year being a fresh start than just continue fumbling. I’ve got to start clawing my way out, and the ritual of a new year is as good a place to start as any. Despite the frustrations of the past year, there were silver linings peaking out everywhere. I left a job I hated with a passion. A friend reached out to me to help get me in a place where I could do that, I am am so grateful to her for that. I went to BlogHer. I started the Novice Foodie this year and met so many amazing, awesome, talented people within the food community, making some wonderful friends in the process. My girlfriends (and their respective dudes) here were, as always, supportive and outrageously gut-busting fun. Most of all, my husband was with me every step of the way, loving me for exactly who I am, pushing aside his own struggles to support me through mine, turning every low point into an opportunity to love each other better. When my head felt like it was going to explode while weaning myself off a drug, he reassured me that it would pass, stroking my hair and telling me over and over that this was not my fault. When I unfairly took my own frustrations out on him, he never wavered, simply calmed me, then helped me communicate what I was really feeling. I’m fucking lucky. Our marriage is stronger now than it was a year ago, and that is something to be thankful for.
I am also so thankful for every single comment, e-mail, Facebook message, and Twitter DM from you guys. You let me know that I’m not alone, and that my abnormality is somewhat normal, and that continues to keep me smiling. My in real life friends don’t always get the blogging community and why I love it, but this is why. There is always someone to hear you when you just need to scream (particularly at insurance companies. People LOVE it when you scream at insurance companies).
So my new year’s resolution is simple and straightforward, when it really comes down to it: I resolve to move towards clarity. Clarity in my mind, in my writing, in my habits, in my body. It’s the best place for me to start.
Dec 18th, 2009 | Uncategorized | No Comments
Hey all…
It takes an e-mail from BlogHer Ads for me to realize I haven’t posted in two weeks. I’m here; I’m fine. I just haven’t been able to succinctly say…anything, really. I think I burned myself out by spending three solid days writing my case study for class this semester. But I’m not leaving or anything. You can check my pulse over at Twitter. I promise I’ll post for realsies next week.
Until then, you can read my last two Novice Foodie columns to tide you over…
Nov 30th, 2009 | Uncategorized | 7 Comments
It’s back! A&E’s Hoarders is a guilty pleasure. These people are literally consumed by their possessions. I watch a lot of shows about people’s issues. Actually, most reality television is ultimately about people’s issues, but none seem so intimate, so shame-inducing, so hopeless as Hoarders. At least with shows like Intervention, the show offers some type of realistic help (and, with it, hope) to those they profile. With Hoarders, the show’s format (hoarder has a 1-800-GOT-JUNK crew for two days, plus either a therapist or life coach) doesn’t even allow for much help. The hoarder won’t just give up their “stuff” cold turkey.
ANYWAY, onward to our new season. → continue reading
Nov 24th, 2009 | Uncategorized | 2 Comments
at National Blog Posting Month.
Carry on.
Nov 22nd, 2009 | St Louis, Uncategorized, health care, politics | 7 Comments
I have disengaged somewhat from politics since the end of the election season because I was both burned out and just wanted to sit back and see what happened post-election. As predicted, the GOP, particularly the far right, has collectively lost its shit and *gone rogue* in the most hilarious, yet frightening, way possible. This makes me sad, because, while I love schadenfreude with my all of heart and soul, I also love intelligent discourse, and that seems to have gone out the window. This is what happens when people’s entire rhetorical strategy is to talk the loudest. I can imagine how frustrating it might be to be a conservative who actually wants to talk about policy and issues, not hyperbole and misconceptions. → continue reading
Nov 22nd, 2009 | Fun | 1 Comment
We spent the night in Charlotte with our friends Josh and Michelle, who moved there a little over a year ago, and whom we miss immensely. Their daughter, Ansley, is two years old but talks like she’s a grown folk. In fact, she’s so freaking smart, I’m pretty sure she’s bound to give Josh and Michelle a run for their money when she’s older, a presumption I’m sure Michelle’s mom will no doubt delight in because, as we all know, payback is a motherfucker. However, I think intellect in a child is a welcome problem. Chris and I always give books as gifts to the children we know, and I delight when said children are old enough to articulate genuine excitement for books and then eschew television in favor of entertaining themselves with reading materials. Basically, keep doin’ what you do, Michelle and Josh. We spent Saturday evening playing games (something we always do together). The boys *actually* beat us in something (Music SceneIt) which hardly ever happens, but we girls owned them in spades like the real Gs that we are.
Ansley showed me their garden, and we smelled different herbs.
Sunday was a beautiful day in Charlotte, in the 70s, so we took a long walk on the trails by Josh and Michelle’s house.
Of course, we always wish we had more time with our friends, but we left the next day, and, to avoid the stupid detour we had to take on our way to Asheville, we figured out that going through Atlanta might actually be a quicker route. We did, stopping at Flip along the way to eat a burger and shake, and then drove the rest of the way home, finally arriving in St Louis just before 2AM. I was glad to be home, but the road trip was good for our souls. A change of scenery, particularly a change in physical landscape, is good for the soul. We’re already jonesin’ for our next trip.
Nov 20th, 2009 | St Louis, feminism | 1 Comment
I’m always on the lookout for interesting blogs about people doing major projects, particularly if they are have some type of cultural relevance. So, if you’re so inclined, you should join me in checking out author/blogger/feminist Nona Willis Aronowitz at Left Bank Books this Sunday at 4PM. In Fall of 2007, Aronowitz and her late friend, Emma Bee Bernstein, took off on an epic road trip around the country to talk to feminists around the country about the meaning of feminism. They documented their journey on their blog, and turned their story–and those of the feminists they met along the way–into a book, Girldrive.
Check out Aimee Levitt’s interview with Aronowitz, if you’re like me and you’d rather talk feminism on Sunday as opposed to watching football, come on down to Left Bank to hear her speak.
Nov 20th, 2009 | Uncategorized | 4 Comments
…to inform you that I went into the bathroom this morning to take a shower, and there, on the bathmath, was a FUCKING DEAD MOUSE.
Yeah, I know. I screamed, too.
No, I didn’t take a picture of it. I was too busy trying to calculate my next move.
Let me preface this by saying that I hate, hate, HATE rodents of all types. Their fur is dirty and gross, their beady eyes are menacing, and they clearly have ulterior motives. Last summer I got up to pee in the middle of the night while on family vacation in Minnesota and came face to face with a small brown mouse. As it was 2AM, I tried not to scream, just peed while holding my feet as far off the ground as possible without sacrificing fighting position, then ran and jumped back into bed and told Chris about it. I spent the rest of the vacation terrified that this same brown mouse would run over my face at night, gnaw my eyes out, and infect me with rabies while doing so.
Also, I hate bunnies.
You can imagine what it was like when I spied a possum on my back porch one night last year. I screamed, then locked myself in our bedroom until Chris came home and could declare an all-clear. Have you seen a possum’s nose? Or their long tail? Disgusting.
Here’s the thing. I know rodents are smaller than me and *allegedly* more frightened of me than vice versa. Bullshit. Those things resent being lower on the food chain and the target of cartoon ridicule, and they’ll mercilessly spread disease and pestilence until they feel they have compensated the memory of their forefathers.
So, yeah. I’m not trying to have a faceoff with a mouse, rat, squirrel, possum, feral hamster or guinea pig, or any of their disgusting ilk. Or rabbits. So I picked that motherfucker up with a broom and a dustpan and threw it in the yard and am TRYING to get on with my day. I just thought you should know that no matter what Walt Disney tries to brainwash you into thinking, you CANNOT trust a rodent. Even a dead one.
Nov 19th, 2009 | life, photos | 3 Comments
I wanted to show you some of the photos from our trip. They are all either taken by me or Chris.
Look closely. No commies served.
I like that you can see Chris in my sunglasses.
Asheville biodiesel pump. Awesome.
Unibomber-looking dude.
We stopped here to buy cider. Not sure if there is an actual Bat Cave.
If you are going to decal up your purple truck, you might as well go all out and just get Three Wolves.
Chris gets epic pit stains. Just ask his students.
We also passed Miss Havisham's house.
Nov 18th, 2009 | Food, Fun, life | 2 Comments
*FYI, I totally was going to post this yesterday when I got home from class, but my host was down. See, people are conspiring against me and my already-failed quest to post every day this month.
We spent most of Saturday bumming around Asheville and surrounding parts. I really loved this town. I’d move there. There’s tons of weirdos and progressives nestled in the mountains. Downtown was walkable and the weather was sunny and warm. We ate a late breakfast at Early Girl Cafe. You can read about it in my Novice Foodie column today yesterday. I drank some decaf coffee and the food made me happy.
→ continue reading
