Congratulations! You’re depressed!
So yesterday I just dropped this antidepressant bomb here. It’s something I’ve been saving a draft about for a long time, but never had the courage to publish. Yup, I’m depressed. Officially.
It doesn’t sound real when I put it so bluntly. It seems like someone else’s life. But it is my life, and that life has been creeping slowly but surely into a hole that I finally decided I couldn’t pull myself out of alone. Since last winter, I’ve been having more bad days that good. I was anxious all the time, over things that weren’t worth stressing about. When plans changed at the last minute, regarding anything, it would freak me out so much I would cry–over unimportant things. I couldn’t focus on my schoolwork, and it suffered. I didn’t feel like going out, I didn’t feel like doing any of my hobbies or socializing. Pretty much the only thing I found enjoyment in was cooking and working in the garden, but most times, my mental paradigm was covered in a fog of desperation, a feeling that nothing would ever change or get better.
Finally, finally, Chris sat me down and said he really thought I needed to talk about this with my doctor. I was sure my problems were based in anxiety. So I went to my GP, who determine that my anxiety was more of a symptom of depression. She started me on anti-depressants in June. This has helped tremendously. I still have anxiety and get sad, but those desperate days only happen once in a while, like a “normal” (ha!) person. I’ve been using different strategies to manage my anxiety (like, oh, you know, cutting down from a full pot of coffee every day, for starters) that have really, really helped. I feel like myself again.
Unfortunately, better living through chemistry comes with a price. My insurance has so far denied both scripts for anti-depressants my doctor has prescribed for me. I have been functioning on samples from my doctor. When my doctor gets back from vacation on Monday, she will have to write me another script for yet another med and we will hope that it is covered. I will try that script, and if it doesn’t work, we try another drug my insurance company will cover. After (we hope) six weeks on each, I can then get clearance for coverage for the initial drug my doctor prescribed, the one that has worked so well, the one that my body has adjusted to. Until then, I will play Russian roulette with my mental and emotional health. Thanks, Coventry. I hope you get fucked by HCR.
I share this for you for several reasons, none of which is to garner your sympathy or, God-forbid, your pity. The most important is that I have found, through my own experience, that people are hesitant to talk about mental health issues, period. There is still a stigma attached to depression, anxiety, and other common issues. Almost every time I’ve opened up to someone about what is going on with me, they themselves have experienced a similar mental health problem or they have a close friend or family member who has. Why is it, then, that there’s still shame? I myself kept this in from almost everyone besides a few close friends, Chris, and my parents, because I felt guilty. I have a good life, a should-be-happy life, a life of relative privilege. What do I have to complain about? But this has nothing to do with that. I am sick. I need help to get better, and my doctor and I have decided that the help I need involves medication. For myself, I must talk about what is wrong so I can feel okay about it and hopefully so others can be okay with their own mental health issues. Because I’ve realized this is much, much more common that I thought.
I am not good at dealing with serious things. My coping mechanisms are largely based in humor and sarcasm. That’s just how I roll. So I hope that me telling, well, all of teh intarwebz, this doesn’t change how my friends, both in real life and online, treat me. I mean, I can’t tell you how many depression jokes I’ve been dying to drop in the last few months but haven’t. This could be a comedy goldmine. I am still me, and I’m generally not treated with kid gloves, so I don’t expect that to start now. This will not turn into the Pity Party blog. I just felt as though, with the weekend I had, now was as good a time as any to put this out there. I will promptly return to snark and rants.
So that’s that. Can we please talk about reality television now?
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 11:11 am)
I am really glad to see someone else willing to write about depression! I handle it much like you, by joking. Glad to know I’m not alone on that (most people think I am a sick bastard when I joke about being depressed). Anyway, pity only makes someone who is depressed feel worse, imho. People need to stop that shite and just randomly check in and have interventions only when you are in the garage huffing the monoxide!
Anyway, way to go, more people need to get this stuff off the chest, and I am glad you did it! You rock, let no one tell you otherwise!!!
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 11:15 am)
Honey, join the club. And you are exactly right, there is NO reason for shame or embarrassment, it’s a chemistry issue– find the right balance between what your body is producing naturally and what you need to supplement and you feel normal again. Hopefully someday they’ll figure out a way to put seratonin in the water system or something, and we’ll all be happy as clams. Until then, well hello there Welbutrin!
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 11:18 am)
You’re right Kelli – people don’t talk about it. Some who have never dealt with it think you just need to buck up and get over it. That doesn’t work for a lot of people. Medication isn’t always the cure all but it sure helps when there is a chemical imbalance. In the end – you got to do what you got to do! Look around you – there are a lot of people that should be on medication that aren’t because of the stigma. Hang in there, girl!
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 11:23 am)
Shit i could talk about it all day.. okay not really. but I’ve been on happy drugs steadily for 7 years… Unsteadily before that for 2.5 years, until i realized it wasn’t life, it was my chemicals and no matter how great life became I still needed to be on drugs. I kinda rather enjoy not having breakdowns…I fought it for a long time cause my mom was a pusher and any time i had issues she’d ask if i was on my drugs.. to which i responded hell yes bitch but sometimes we have issues in life and the answer isn’t upping my meds.
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 11:23 am)
I wonder if your insurance company would honor mental health med prescriptions from a psychiatrist, if they won’t from your GP.
More in your email in a minute…
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(On September 22nd, 2009 at 11:49 am)
I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in 2004, and have been on Lexapro ever since. I cannot tell you how much of a Godsend it has been to me, and how much better I feel.
Your brain can get sick too, and there ain’t a damn thing wrong with that. I personally deal with mental illness by just being upfront and in peoples’ faces about it, particularly with my family.
Hopefully you and your doctor will find the best treatment possible that can work with or around your insurance. Good luck!
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 11:49 am)
I had the same problem with my insurance company when my OB put me on anti-depressants for post partum depression. That just made me more stabby. They required that I try other drugs, one of which I’d been on before (surprise! for previous undiagnosed probable post partum depression with child #1) and had some good luck with. I switched to the one I’d been on before, Paxil which has anti-anxiety facets to it for much the same reason you were thinking yours was anxiety instead of depression.
Fuckin’ insurance. BTW, I read that post you tweeted by Dr. Grumpy this morning, and I want to thank you for the link. That’s a funny ass blog, but one that has information in it as well, like the post about the insurance. That’s a person who deals with the insurance connundrum daily, so I would take their opinion over what I see on TV any day.
Solidarity, girl. I know what you mean with this post. I would rather talk about TV, too.
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 11:50 am)
Oh, forgot to mention that I’m also ShutterBitch on twitter.
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 11:53 am)
Your depression better not ruin my birthday weekend. Attention whore!
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 12:12 pm)
I’ve based my career on the comedy gold of mental illness.
In all seriousness, the insurance industry’s treatment of mental health issues hasn’t done anything to help the social perception of mental illness. I’m lucky that my insurance has always covered my antidepressants. The hardcore anti-anxiety drug I require is priced higher, but at least they cover the bulk. Without those two medications, I might as well be a type-one diabetic who can’t afford insulin. I would be dead. It’s that simple. And it shouldn’t be like that. Mental illness is no different than a physical illness, and it’s a travesty that insurance companies still treat them differently.
I’m glad treatment’s helping. Thanks for sharing. When my panic disorder and depression were at their worst five years ago, I chronicled all of it on my blog. It was ugly. But to this day, I still get emails from people who know followed my story, either telling me that what I wrote prompted them to get help or helped them understand an ill loved one. By putting yourself out there, you have no idea how many people you’re helping. This is what it takes to change the perception of depression and other mental illnesses.
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 12:37 pm)
Amen, Kelli. Being depressed is bad enough – but the stigma that comes with it is what I think throws many over the edge.
Thank you for your courage to share this.
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 12:51 pm)
My physician has told me intelligent people – more than not-so-intelligent ones — are PLAGUED by depression and anxiety. So you’re in great company!
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 1:06 pm)
Okay first of Kelly’s comment…Hilarious.
It always befuddles me when I learn that someone larger than life is no different than me. I never battled depression but did take on some other mental shizz, so kudos to you for keeping it real, and let’s hope America uncorks its head so when can get some HRC…
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 6:15 pm)
For the multiple years I did not have health insurance I used a free drug card I got from http://www.YourRxCard.com I just gave it to walgreens like I would my insurance card! my drugs were so cheap!
Welcome to the world of my mom asking you “Are you taking your medicine??”
(On September 22nd, 2009 at 10:01 pm)
welcome to the anti-depressant popping world in which i too reside.
(On September 28th, 2009 at 1:07 am)
just sayin’ i hear you and i’ve got a name tag that says “i ain’t fuckin’ perfect”, and sometimes, i blog about my own flavour of fun… carry on.
(On October 6th, 2009 at 2:47 pm)
Just found your blog and I loved this post! So much to complain about: stigmas! disease! insurance companies! But you just laid it out there and it is great.
Best of luck to you!