Four Awesome Busch-League Commercials
I watch a lot of Law & Order, which is on either on TNT or sketchy channels that have ridiculous commercials because they’re so damn cheap. Some of them blow my mind. I wonder if the people who make them actually have marketing degrees, or work at a marketing agency, or if the owners of these companies just have their friends make up the commercials while they’re working on their Geocities page. ( Oh, sorry, I forgot Geocities is over. TOO SOON. I’m very insensitive.)
Anyway, I get it that some of you work or don’t like Christopher Meloni after Oz or whatever so you may not have seen these. Luckily, as usual, the YouTubes will help you fill the gap in your pop cultural knowledge.
The Prayer Cross Necklace
Disclaimer: I’m not making fun of this because it’s a cross necklace, I’m making fun of the curious way they chose to market it. Why the triumphant, soaring music? Why the creepy little pageant girl squinting at the necklace (you KNOW her pageant mom thought she hit it big by booking this commercial and gave her an extra coat of spray tan before the shoot)? Why pretend like this necklace was CREATED BY THE MAKER HIMSELF. FROM HIS HANDS TO YOUR NECK! I highly doubt my friends will “gaze in amazement” at a necklace that’s purchased off an infomercial for only two payments of $19.99.
Bumpits
This commercial is awesome because the product is ridiculous. I wholeheartedly disagree with the stylization of the messy ponytail. Back in my day, we wore messy ponytails because we were lazy and dirty from soccer practice. We didn’t buy products to help us attain the perfect messy ponytail. That defeats the enabling purpose of the messy ponytail. Here, want to look like Carol Brady? Buy this piece of cheap plastic that will inevitably break or get stuck in your hair, forcing you to cut it out.
Stop Reusing Catheters!
First of all, awesome company name and logo: Liberator, with a soaring hawk. Secondly, awesome Farrah Fawcett hair. Third, you were nervous about calling strangers about catheters, but not nervous about putting yourself on a commercial about how you had to wash and reuse catheters? Huh. Fourth, how many people could this possibly apply to? Seriously? Is this such a market that it warrants commercials? Can’t you just get that info from your doctor? Oh, right, companies such as Liberator drive up health care costs for everyone!
Bonus: the comments on the YouTube page are rife with more catheter information than you could ever use.
Any Cell Phone Ringtone Commercial (but especially this one)
What the fuck? Why are there even commercials for ringtones? Who the fuck pays for ringtones? Including ones that are so incredibly annoying and ridiculous that they make me want to gouge out my own eyes and skullfuck myself? These commercials are always on when I’m watching Degrassi. How can the person who made this sleep at night?
Honorable Mention:
You know those buddy Christ commercials that are always on? It’s like a casually-dressed dude who only comes on for like ten seconds to say “Jesus loves you” or maybe delivers some profound interpretation of scripture, but doesn’t identify himself or why exactly he has a commercial? Those drive me nuts. I think he is intentionally cryptic so people thing that that guy is actually God or that he doesn’t represent anything specific except God. That, and so I can’t find his commercials on YouTube because “random Jesus commercial guy” didn’t really lead to anything. God himself probably pays for the airtime in photographic proof that unicorns exist. Either way, I kind of resent that guy just popping up unannounced to proselytize to me while I’m watching my stories.
(On November 3rd, 2009 at 10:55 am)
Very nice. Very nice. I wish I got to watch Law&Order all the time…USA’s pimping stupid Criminal Intent so hard, I don’t get to see SVU anymore.
That gummi bear ring tone commercial creeped me out something fierce last night.
(On November 3rd, 2009 at 11:01 am)
I once dated a girl who used ringtones like the one mentioned above. She also had some sort of similar recording for her voicemail. It was very annoying.
(On November 3rd, 2009 at 11:04 am)
I think you’re referring to this buddy-Jesus dude:
http://www.jeffperry.net/
(On November 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 am)
Actually, there IS a market for catheters, ostomy supplies, etc. I used to work for an incontinent supply mail order company much like Liberator. But, what I don’t quite get about this commercial is what kind of condition could Holly have that requires regular catheterization but still she can walk and play with her cat in a meadow????
And what about that ugly dude in the Extenze commercials????
(On November 3rd, 2009 at 2:03 pm)
FYI – Random Jesus Buddy Guy is Pastor Jeff Perry of the Family Church – http://www.slfc.org/
I think the reason he stays anonymous is because he doesn’t want to give the impression that he is just trying to get you to come to HIS church. He doesn’t care if you go to his church or any other church, he just wants you to know Jesus. Maybe that doesn’t work for you, that’s cool. I just wanted to suggest what I assume is his good intention.
By the by, this commercial doesn’t really fall into the same category because it is shown on network television and was obviously made with a big budget. But I think the WORST commercials of all time are those Lamisil commercials, where horrible little gremlins lift up people’s fungusy toe nails like the hood of a car. GAH! I NEVER NEEDED TO HAVE THAT IMAGE IN MY MIND.
(On November 3rd, 2009 at 11:05 pm)
I kind of think the prayer cross thing is cool. I just wish it wasn’t a cross and the Lord’s prayer. I think it should be an ankh and some type of cryptic ancient Egyptian code or equation needed to build a time machine. Anyways… I also can’t stand Jesus dude. I don’t like the way he tells me things about god that he couldn’t possible know. Silly Jesus dude.
(On April 19th, 2010 at 11:05 am)
I have MS Symptoms People..not that that is any of your business.. the fact that I told the whole world I catheterize should be enough for you..but now you want to know what I have? Ok.. so whatever. I have Interstistial Cystitis and Self Catheterization is the only way to live through the disease. Many times my muscles don’t work at all.. some days they do… check out MS if you don’t know about it. Good days and bad days.. God bless you all.