Good Riddance
Hello, little neglected blog.
I’ve been mulling over a post trying to summarize how I’ve been feeling. I’ve got various drafts in various forms saved, none of them saying what I really want to say. And that, readers, summarizes how the last few months have been. I can’t really find a way to say what I really want to say.
2009 was probably the worst year of the decade for me. I don’t want to keep talking about depression, because I vowed that that’s not what this blog would be about and that’s not the kind of blog this is. But, in a stealth, quiet, seemingly-unobtrusive way, it’s permeated corners of my brain I didn’t think it could. The various medicines my insurance company requires I try out have left me veritably mute, unable to articulate how I’m feeling in a way that I know I’m capable of. My writing feels flat–if I can even get words on the screen. Despite the fact that my mind is constantly racing, I can’t develop a thought at the level I want–I’m unable to untangle the giant knot inside my brain. My schoolwork has suffered. I’ve self-medicated to an unhealthy level. I’m unhealthy.
Other than the dormancy of my words, the most frustrating thing for me is my inability to distinguish between legitimate, real feelings and thoughts and irrational ones brought on by my sick brain. I can’t tell what’s real, what’s perception, particularly when it comes to my interactions with other people. All my insecurities are magnified, and I constantly feel like the biggest asshole in the room. Is this really me? Who I am?
I guess I just wanted to wait to really close off this year with some finality. I’d rather face the triteness of the new year being a fresh start than just continue fumbling. I’ve got to start clawing my way out, and the ritual of a new year is as good a place to start as any. Despite the frustrations of the past year, there were silver linings peaking out everywhere. I left a job I hated with a passion. A friend reached out to me to help get me in a place where I could do that, I am am so grateful to her for that. I went to BlogHer. I started the Novice Foodie this year and met so many amazing, awesome, talented people within the food community, making some wonderful friends in the process. My girlfriends (and their respective dudes) here were, as always, supportive and outrageously gut-busting fun. Most of all, my husband was with me every step of the way, loving me for exactly who I am, pushing aside his own struggles to support me through mine, turning every low point into an opportunity to love each other better. When my head felt like it was going to explode while weaning myself off a drug, he reassured me that it would pass, stroking my hair and telling me over and over that this was not my fault. When I unfairly took my own frustrations out on him, he never wavered, simply calmed me, then helped me communicate what I was really feeling. I’m fucking lucky. Our marriage is stronger now than it was a year ago, and that is something to be thankful for.
I am also so thankful for every single comment, e-mail, Facebook message, and Twitter DM from you guys. You let me know that I’m not alone, and that my abnormality is somewhat normal, and that continues to keep me smiling. My in real life friends don’t always get the blogging community and why I love it, but this is why. There is always someone to hear you when you just need to scream (particularly at insurance companies. People LOVE it when you scream at insurance companies).
So my new year’s resolution is simple and straightforward, when it really comes down to it: I resolve to move towards clarity. Clarity in my mind, in my writing, in my habits, in my body. It’s the best place for me to start.
(On December 31st, 2009 at 1:29 pm)
You were one of my 2009 highlights as well, my dear friend. Looking forward to many more years of TNR….
(On December 31st, 2009 at 2:05 pm)
It has been a crazy year. This is a very powerful read, and its awesome that you could put it out there. I have wanted to write about my coke habit in 2006, and the hell getting out of it. Reading this makes me want to put it on paper, even if I never publish it. If you ever need a weird friend in Kansas City gimme a call.
(On December 31st, 2009 at 3:21 pm)
Way to keep it real in ’09, KBO! Let me know what time you want us to meet at your crib tonight.
Cheers,
md
(On December 31st, 2009 at 5:04 pm)
Hoping and praying you find your voice again in 2010. It’s definitely still there, heck it’s HERE, and there are many people in the world who love hearing it. Grace and peace, lady.
(On January 1st, 2010 at 4:07 pm)
I hate to be one of those hallow comment-leavers, but this really was a great post, Mrs KBO. And I am sending a virtual new year’s hug your way. Congrats on all you have accomplished, and pulled through, and here’s a toast to what 2010 needs to be brining.
(On January 2nd, 2010 at 12:33 am)
Much love and happiness in 2010. Sent you an e-mail and yes, I am holding down the URB for you.
(On January 2nd, 2010 at 12:38 am)
p.s. the ISU Cyclones won their bowl game!!!
(On January 2nd, 2010 at 1:53 am)
Keep it up KBO. I’ve enjoyed reading this and the NF this past year.
Good stuff.
(On January 2nd, 2010 at 9:15 am)
of all the end of year posts i’ve read, this is the most honest and hopeful. thank you for sticking with it and put this out here. my very best to you.
(On January 2nd, 2010 at 1:11 pm)
Love you. Even though it’s been rough at times, I wouldn’t change anything about the past five years. They’ve been the best of my life.
I’ve got a good feeling about this decade.
(On January 4th, 2010 at 12:25 am)
I’m here from Twitter and write at BlogHer too…I’m going to be better about reading blogs this year because I miss them and getting to know people better through them, so here I am.
I’m glad you’re doing better. I walk a similar path and know how hard it can be. I’m glad you’ve got support. I went through a writing drought last year and getting back in the practice has been really helpful for me. Wishing you a good year.
(On January 4th, 2010 at 4:17 pm)
Thank you for writing about this. I know it’s hard to write about depression.
2009 sucked pretty hard for a lot of people, I think. Here’s to a new year, and a new beginning.
Next time you get pissed off at your insurance company, come over to my house and we’ll watch Fight Club and drink hard liquor while we rage against the corporate machine.
(On January 7th, 2010 at 12:18 pm)
I am so glad you are my friend. I love you much. I miss you. I NEED to see you sometime soon!
(On January 10th, 2010 at 11:05 am)
I’m glad to see that you’re working towards the right direction and that you have the support you require. I know what it’s like being in your husband’s shoes and it’s hard, and he’s doing a lot better than I did I think.