How to Refinish Your Hardwood Floors by KBO Part One
- Move all furniture out of rooms to be finished, preferably to your cramped basement. All couches must go on the front porch for purposes of authenticity.
- Remove all carpet and carpet pad, staples, and nails. Sweep up legions of dead human cells. Die a little.
- Attempt to set up bedroom and makeshift living room in basement. Briefly consider expanding wood panels to make basement sexier.
- Tape up plastic sheets that will inevitably be torn down by a puppy and peed on.
- Make even task swap with husband: he does all drum sanding and you do all shop vacuuming and reality television watching.
- Feel bad about trade so offer to plug all the holes and dents with wood putty. Lament all the dirty jokes you can’t think of because of the sweaty, stinky mask you’re wearing.
- Attempt to wrangle one not-completely-housetrained pup and one afraid-of-fireworks-so-refuses-to-go-outside old man pup in a rapidly-shrinking basement. Step in pee.
- Break some shit.
- Watch Real Housewives and read journal articles while husband returns, yet again, to Lowe’s. Briefly consider showering. Explain fake boobie ubiquity on Real Housewives to husband.
Upcoming: Part Two
This nasty weather keeps me checking the 10-day forecast to see when the first frost will be so I can rescue what tomatoes are still on the vine. It’s also kept me from cleaning out the dead plants, digging up the last of our carrots, and getting some cuttings to take indoors. Stupid cloudy cold rain bullshit.
